Loud guys
I seem to be surrounded by loud guys lately. Guys who feel compelled to make their presence known by loud belching, indiscreet farting, and random moans, groans, and other indescribable outbursts.
While watching the Giants game on Sunday, two of my friends decided that at this point in our friendship (we've known each other since we were children) there's no point in standing on ceremony. If you've got to belch or fart, just let it rip. We know we're pigs, so why pretend otherwise. For years now we've even developed a sort of ritual, a sort of call and response if you will, in which each burp or fart is greeted with a hearty, "Morning, Judge." We've gotten a lot of mileage out of this gag and given the right set of circumstances, it can still be pretty funny. But Sunday was different. My friends were erupting with such force and regularity that I was on the verge of erupting myself with a "Will you two shut the fuck up!" I mean, every man has his limit. Can't a guy watch a game without feeling like he's living in a barn?
Speaking of farm animals, my new neighbor in the apartment below me makes noises that I've never heard emitted by another human being before. I've had a bad vibe about this guy since he moved in with my original neighbor, a stewardess who never made a sound because she rarely ever spent the night in her apartment (where do women find these guys? And, more to the point, why do they consent to live with them?). I know it's not right to judge a person by their appearance, but when I saw this guy (mid-20s, 6' 2", 250 lbs) decked out head-to-toe in what appeared to be a facsimile NBA uniform, sucking on a cigarette while yapping on his cell phone in front of my building late one night as I took out the garbage, I got a bad feeling. The barrage of House of Horrors sound effects soon followed. Seriously, it's like an Edgar Allen Poe movie down there. Moans, groans, wall-rattling coughs, unintelligible shouts at the television, and, worst of all, blood-curdling, guttural grunts at the conclusion of his morning ruts (the poor woman!). Last night it sounded like he was being murdered. I've never heard one person make such a racket!
While watching the Giants game on Sunday, two of my friends decided that at this point in our friendship (we've known each other since we were children) there's no point in standing on ceremony. If you've got to belch or fart, just let it rip. We know we're pigs, so why pretend otherwise. For years now we've even developed a sort of ritual, a sort of call and response if you will, in which each burp or fart is greeted with a hearty, "Morning, Judge." We've gotten a lot of mileage out of this gag and given the right set of circumstances, it can still be pretty funny. But Sunday was different. My friends were erupting with such force and regularity that I was on the verge of erupting myself with a "Will you two shut the fuck up!" I mean, every man has his limit. Can't a guy watch a game without feeling like he's living in a barn?
Speaking of farm animals, my new neighbor in the apartment below me makes noises that I've never heard emitted by another human being before. I've had a bad vibe about this guy since he moved in with my original neighbor, a stewardess who never made a sound because she rarely ever spent the night in her apartment (where do women find these guys? And, more to the point, why do they consent to live with them?). I know it's not right to judge a person by their appearance, but when I saw this guy (mid-20s, 6' 2", 250 lbs) decked out head-to-toe in what appeared to be a facsimile NBA uniform, sucking on a cigarette while yapping on his cell phone in front of my building late one night as I took out the garbage, I got a bad feeling. The barrage of House of Horrors sound effects soon followed. Seriously, it's like an Edgar Allen Poe movie down there. Moans, groans, wall-rattling coughs, unintelligible shouts at the television, and, worst of all, blood-curdling, guttural grunts at the conclusion of his morning ruts (the poor woman!). Last night it sounded like he was being murdered. I've never heard one person make such a racket!
posted by BayonneMike at 8:23 AM
4 Comments:
Ew. His Morning 'ruts'? What's that? BMS? or...
THAT is so nasty. i am so grateful that the guy downstairs works nights and is not with anyone at the moment. When he is around it's a low grade snore and an occasional cough, but at least we know we can hear everything.
Mornin' Judge. Funny.
OMG! Thanks for a great laugh. I needed that.
These guys love to be called "Ace."
Guaranteed -- if you say in a nice way "How's it goin' Ace?" he will respond with "Hey Bro" like you've known each other for years.
Next thing you know you'll be calling him up after the "ruts" with a hearty "Morning Judge!"
Where does "morning judge" come from? I have an uncle that does that, and I've never understood if it's a reference to something.
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