Spontaneity
I'm always reading that spontaneity is an attribute women find attractive in men. I've never understood this. Frankly, I prefer to keep my distance from people who are very spontaneous. Being spontaneous, in my mind, is just asking for trouble. Although I would never describe myself as being particularly spontaneous (a hit man would have it easy tracking my daily routines), I have been around "spontaneous" guys in the past. Jerry D., a good friend of mine while growing up, was pretty "spontaneous." You never quite knew what you were in for when you went out with Jerry. One night in our never-ending pursuit of female companionship we ended up at a hotel bar (I got to hand it to Jerry, he was always pursuing new avenues, no rock went unturned; one week we could be hanging out at an AMVETS club with old ladies and the maimed and the next week we could be trolling the Marriott during "Happy Hour"). Anyway, on this particular spontaneous evening out, I had returned from the men's room to find my seat at the bar occupied by some other guy, a stranger. Since Jerry was engaged in a conversation with him, I assumed Jerry knew him. No problem, I'll wait. I didn't have to wait too long because the next thing I know Jerry has this guy backing up, turning tables over along the way, while he threw one punch after the other at the guy's face (as a kid Jerry had received boxing lessons from Pat the Barber and always delighted in putting them to use; having been on the receiving end of such blows myself, I can vouch for his exceptional training). The place erupts. Bartenders are screaming for assistance. A couple other guys and myself try to break it up which we do after Jerry gets off a couple more shots to the guy's head. We make a hasty retreat to the men's room where Jerry can clean up his bleeding knuckles. He's exhilarated now, of course, but I still don't know what just happened. "He took your seat and he said he wouldn't move." Really? And that was enough for you to pound the shit out of him? Wow. I guess I should be honored. Of course, Jerry had a few drinks in him when this ocurred and that was probably the main inspiration for his spontaneous behavior. I'd seen it before: the time he decided to tear up the fields around our high school doing "donuts" in his mother's beat-up Impala, the time he drove up Rt. 9 with another drunken friend hanging on for dear life on the hood of the very same vehicle, the time he started a food fight with a former girlfriend's birthday cake in her parent's basement, and on and on. All very spontaneous, no? Borderline criminal, crazy drunken behavior, is this what women really desire in a man? Or do I not even know what "spontaneous" means? Clue me in.
btw Jerry is much less spontaneous today. He's married and has a couple kids. Although I may be wrong, I suspect he hasn't punched anyone in the face for quite a while.
btw Jerry is much less spontaneous today. He's married and has a couple kids. Although I may be wrong, I suspect he hasn't punched anyone in the face for quite a while.
posted by BayonneMike at 9:33 AM
6 Comments:
I would like to take a crack at this one, Mike....
I think for a woman, the desire for spontaneity in a man is perhaps the need for some little indication of his feelings, which she has not already demanded and hinted on a million times. Something she likes ( his time, his touch, personal gift, help around the house...whatever does it for her ) which makes her feel loved and wanted. These things help her to be able to respond to the guy later on. Any single act on any given day which makes her feel special to him is considered spontaneous as long as she doesn't have to tell him what she wants all the time, like a stinkin broken record.
"Spontaneous" Man in Love:
In a romantic relationship, there is no telling when, where, or what a spontaneous man might try. He is usually up to trying anything once. While some chicks dig this, it can be quite unsettling for other woman who prefer a much toned down unspoken type of spontaneity, the type which is tempered with dignity,common sense, predictability, moral conscience and a basic sensitivity to the moment.
The woman say's " I don't feel loved. The world would never know you cared about me." So he sticks a post-it on her front door announcing his feelings. That's a spontaneous gesture.
"All very spontaneous, no? Borderline criminal, crazy drunken behavior, is this what women really desire in a man?"
Perhaps a biker babe, Mike. Any woman worth her salt wouldn't put up with this behavior for very long. Sure, when we were all young it was considered fun and exciting. After the age of 35 I think it gets kinda old and pathetic.
Think about it this way, would this type of behavior be something a man would really desire in a woman?
True spontaneity (not fueled by anger, booze, etc) comes from the joy (joy, joy, joy) deep down in your heart. It takes a secure and courageous (or extremely distraught) person to conceive of and carry-out a spontaneous act.
Ah, so if I understand this correctly, being "spontaneous" is another way of saying "not being boring." I think I got it now.
Jerry was demonstrating true spontaneity.
What you have read about women desiring spontaneity is not quite true. Women want carefully controlled, pre-planned acts that mimic spontaneity. There is a big difference.
You are 100% correct that truly spontaneous behavior gets you into trouble. Pretending to be spontaneous is actually easier to do, well-received by the ladies, and less likely to put you in jail.
"It takes a secure and courageous (or extremely distraught) person to conceive of and carry-out a spontaneous act."
Rethinking what I wrote regarding the topic, the end comment sounds more like the description of a calculated surprise rather than an act of spontaneity.
You're right, Y.
conceiving and carrying out a spontaneous act isn't spontaneous at all...
It takes a certain personality type to pull off an unpremeditated act.
That being said, its also a certain personality type that can appreciate the sudden self-action arising from internal forces.
My husband, a rocket scientist, could be classified as boring, but at this time in my life, boring is a welcome change.
But wait....The absense of the spontaneous acts or "sudden self-action arising from internal forces" does not imply a man is boring. Spontaneity as an attribute is a broad term which implies the tendancy towards behaviors, mild or extreme which could have positive or negative consequences. In the best case scenerio, the behaviors are rewarded. The dutch oven is a prime example of an undesirable type of spontaneity which the man will live to regret...unless, of course, she likes those kind of slef actions arising from internal forces.
I think what they are looking for is dinner out and maybe a movie.
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